Saima: I remember tears rolling down the valley of love. I wished I had never fallen in love. I kept questioning day and night, 'was I not enough or was I too blind in love that I couldn't see him walking away?' After the death of our child, Owais, we were both lost. We didn't know how to converse with each other. I knew he blamed himself for not being there in the time of need, but how do I make him understand, that what he did was sufficient and more. I never knew he would just leave me deserted on the path of forever. I wish I could undo all of these and rewind life to those happy days of summer when our family smiled and ate together I see flashbacks of those days and it pains me to understand that I have none to love or hold anymore. My child was taken away by cancer and my husband, by situations unknown.
I wish I knew earlier about his thoughts of leaving me. I could have tried making him change his mind. Or could I? I had given him my world and he had become my everything after we married. We were very much in love in the early days of our marriage. Our son was born into a happy family with a loving dad and a caring mom. We used to live happily. We used to!
Owais after 6 months of birth, started falling sick often and after frequent visits to the hospital, we got to know he had bone marrow cancer. We were clueless and everything fell apart afterwards. We did all possible treatments and transplants needed. But my child wasn't destined to live. After his death, I had Zahir as my only support system but he left me too. I am blindfolded with these questions and there is none who would shower light to my eyes as answers.
We were both broken and lost in our own world but I stuck with him for he was the only one to understand the loss we both had. How could Zahir be so selfish and leave me unanswered? What was my mistake? Why did we fall apart? Was our child, the only reason to be happy? Weren't we in love anymore?
I need him now at my worst but he left me alone in this desert of pain. Zahir started staying alone and stopped interacting. After Owais's death, he never really talked or expressed anything. He never looked at me. He thought of only Owais and the loss he had. He kept things to himself. He stopped sharing how he felt and what he was thinking. Our conversations started decreasing to a point where we only talked when we needed something from each other. Our conversations had no happiness in them. We were shattered and he was in depression. I did everything I could, to revive the family after our loss. My brokenness was hidden in the dark and I would cry at night waiting for things to become normal. I was ready to begin again with pain frozen heart. I wanted to make another baby with my Zahir. I wanted to see him happy and solaced. I stopped lamenting in front of him.
After 2 months of brokenness, Zahir had lost himself completely. I tried each and everything to get back my Zahir but he was gone. The Zahir who stayed with me was just a body but the soul inside died with our baby.
It was the night of June 9th, when I last saw him. He told me he was not able to let go of our son's memory and he couldn't take it anymore. He wanted to leave and I told him, "blind me before you leave. I want the last sight to be of my love that I will forever hold onto". He never could understand my pain. He just talked about the pain he felt.
The darkness of the night left us both in our worlds of torment. That night was the end of my family. He had drowned himself in a pool of poisonous loneliness and finally gave up on life. He lay dead in the room, overdosed with anti-depressants, a sight I dreaded the most.
I had no power of saving my son's life and I did everything on my part to make Zahir stay. But was it enough?
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