Do We Really Love Whom We Love?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010, 10:58

In the first session of our meditation camp, I ask people to make an honest list of at least one or two persons in their lives who they really love. Usually in the beginning, people come up with a big list: husband, wife, father, mother, brother, sister and so on. They include people whom they would like to please or need to please in order to be happy themselves. As they hear me talk about real love, they start crossing out names from their list one by one! Understand, if you cross out something, then it was not truly there in the first place.

Many people include certain people in their love list because these people give them a 'feel good" feeling. What do I mean by a 'feel good" feeling? It is a certificate saying, 'You are good. You are this, you are that" etc. We love anyone who pays us compliments, is it not? We think twice before arguing with them. We secretly nurture our good name with them in the name of love. If they go back on their approval of us, we might fall into depression, so we continue to please them and love them. Like this, there is always some hidden reason for our love.

Some people tell me, 'No Swamiji, I don"t love my son or daughter for any of these reasons." I ask them, 'Alright, if your son suddenly starts to make his own decisions, if he suddenly doesn"t fit into your framework, if he doesn"t follow your guidance, if he doesn"t live according to your rules, will your love for him be the same?"

They tell me, 'No, it will not. My love will be reduced a little!"

What does this mean? We love our next generation as long as they are extensions of our life. As long as they fall into our pattern of thinking, as long as they live in accordance with our conventions, we love them. We simply fulfill our own desires through them. We fulfill our lives through them. Whatever we couldn"t accomplish in our youth, we try to accomplish through them. We use them as an extension of our own lives. If we wanted to be doctors and couldn"t for some reason, we inspire them to be doctors.

As long as they act and live as an extension of our life, the relationship is beautiful. But the moment they start deciding on their own, the moment they feel we are suffocating them, the moment they stand up and say 'no", the relationship takes a different turn.