Culture Conflicts - Part I Contd

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Confusions
Bouncing from Indian girlfriend to the next, I get the same answers: "I can't tell my parents," "I really like (insert name here) but I don't really know why, besides, my mom would never like him," "No, (insert name here) and I just broke up, we didn't have a lot in common, and his mom told him to wait before a serious relationship," "Well, I'm not sure what I want, but I know I want to marry an Indian guy, besides, I have to marry an Indian guy." And then as though reflecting on what they have just said many will add, in defense, "But they don't care about caste."

In these responses a number of thoughts and realizations are formulated: Why is it so difficult to approach our parents with such important, central issues in our lives? Why is it more important the family approve before our own hearts? Why do others dictate our relationships? Why do we feel we have to marry a certain type of person?

Ultimate understanding
Like thousands of other Indian girls, I am a product of a dismal arranged marriage, and have been faced with all those previous situations: What will my father say? What will he do? Why won't he try and understand me? Ultimately, we are forced with one decision-what is more important to us: our happiness or family approval? It is in my opinion that faced with reality, any Indian family is willing to compromise to the point of acceptance, and if they are not, chances are you are not part of the family very much to begin with.

Further, in an ever-changing world, even most Indian mothers are willing to agree they'd rather see their sons and daughters (though, of course, approval for daughters is harder to come by) safe and happy than carted off into a sad marriage (as they often were). The real difficulty is convincing Indian-American parents that India has grown and changed since they have left and become more accepting of that which their own children are forcing upon them: choice.

To the naked eye Western girls are considered the most liberal; however, that is wholly an untruth. Western girls, raised by parents that left India in the late sixties, early seventies, or even earlier in some cases, are raised with the morals and traditions that were liberal in their respective generation. Their idea of India and her role in the modern world is outdated and static. Aunts, uncles and cousins "back home" often tell of the latest gossip and fashions and trends that belie a much more modern India than our parents know.

All these facts line up in support of Indian-American kids and their individual quests of love, acceptance, and happiness. Thus, in closing, if one were to follow his or her heart, it is my belief that the pieces will fall into place. The most central part is overcoming the first disapproving reactions and fighting the urge to succumb in the name of shanti, as generations of women before us did. It is your life, after all, and we only live this life once.

Reassuring remembrances
At least once every month I come home from college to call India and talk to my dying grandmother. A strong, powerful woman who raised three daughters in the aftermath of the Partition, a time wrought with racism, hatred and fear, she understands that I am different from any of her other five granddaughters, and her only grandchild across the ocean. She encourages me to stand on my own two feet, to work for a living, to not be bullied by anybody into giving up my dreams.

I listen intently as she whispers, "I know you're a Hindustani, but we both know you aren't genuinely a Hindustani at all, so you must study hard and work." I reassure her that I will, in fact, make it on my own as my parent's only child, and she feels safe. However, as our conversations draw to a close, she can't help herself. She always closes, "Remember to work hard, remember to study, and then marry a wonderful Gujarati man and be an excellent wife and mother, you understand, right?" And I always answer, "Ha, I understand."