Expectations – Make You Or Break You

Wednesday, March 5, 2014, 18:04 [IST]

In my last article we discussed the primary need for relationships - to fulfil our ‘needs' and to complete who we are. Now here is an issue that stems from that need. It is called - EXPECTATIONS.

THE PROBLEM
Needs create expectations. When expectations are met, we are happy. If they are not met, we feel unhappy and we may even feel hurt, rejected... and over time unfulfilled needs could also make us depressed.

THE ANALYSIS
We need to ensure that our relationships do not cause us pain. How?
Easy. We need to manage our expectations. We could lower or, ideally, we could strive to remove all expectations.
Lets take an example. Women normally focus on the romance part of a relationship. For Valentine's Day (or for a birthday or anniversary) a lady may create a romantic celebration in her mind, complete with candlelit dinner in a quaint restaurant. Naturally she would expectantly look forward to the man of her dreams fulfilling that expectation. Now her man, who could have been romantic in the initial stages of the relationship, now feels the relationship has grown... and therefore there is no need for any frills. He may feel the relationship should be easy going and focused on the essentials, rather than the un-necessary trimmings. So he may want to just go for a quick dinner ... or to go to a club, and maybe even invite a few friends along. Since this situation is not following to ‘script' she had created, it could cause some disturbance in her mind. He may be focused on the ‘celebration' after the dinner. The truth is that each of us sees the world from our own point of reference. The reality we see is purely our own. Every other person would have a different view of the same ‘reality'.

THE SOLUTION
1. Understand that ‘reality' is different for each partner in a relationship.
2. Don't assume that the script in your head is the best one for everyone. (Remember - when you ASSUME - you make an ASS out of U and ME.)
3. Clarifying never killed anyone. Not clarifying, may not be the best course of action.
4. Discussing ‘expectations' with partner is a great way to bridge the man-woman gap.
5. Determine what are the important things in your life, and help your partner understand why they are important to you.
6. Ask about your partner's expectations. Commit to what you can. Discuss what you feel are not comfortable for you. Better to be open and have some minor irritation for the moment, than to be silent and suffer for a lifetime.
7. When in doubt, about something, don't guess - just ASK!
8. When in need - don't fantasize and wait - just take courage and ASK! (Or subtly discuss your need).
9. Be prepared to adjust (some people call it compromise) or if the matter is trivial, just give in. There is joy in doing things unconditionally.
10. The best time to sort out differences is NOW. Try to sort out all your issues and irritations in a sane, mature manner - BEFORE YOU SLEEP. Carrying yesterday's issues into tomorrow is only going to make it more difficult to resolve.
11. Remember - It is good to be right, but it is better to be good (than to be right).
Relationships may or may not be made in heaven, but we have to decide if they have to be suffered on earth. My guess is that with a little adjustment, things can be a lot better. The person who gives in, is not weak. The person who gives in is actually strong.

Till next time - Give more than you take, and choose to be HAPPY!
Ian Faria.

P.S.
If you have any questions, do feel free to write in and get your issues clarified. After all... you and me... have a relationship, and I would like to do the best I can for each of you. The advice I give is tried and tested, and it works. If you have any challenge implementing anything I say, feel free to bring it up through a question, or comment, on this article... and I promise to resolve it as quickly as possible.
Ian.

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