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How To Discipline Children Without Punishment
"Discipline is helping a child solve a problem. Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem. To raise problem solvers, focus on solutions, not retribution." - L.R. Knost
A staunch supporter of Gentle Parenting, I have come across people questioning, but does that mean the kids are allowed to do anything? Well, no, being gentle does not mean being permissive. Parents are the authority figure in the Parent-Child relationship. It is our job as primary caregivers to keep the children safe and coach them on boundaries. How we enforce or regulate these boundaries is where gentle discipline comes in.
Research suggests that punishment as a form of discipline may be less effective for children than other methods. Punishment can lead to temporary compliance, but it does not address the underlying causes of the behaviour and can even lead to negative consequences such as resentment or aggression. Studies have shown that children who are frequently punished are more likely to have behavioural problems, lower self-esteem, and poor relationships with their parents.
Gentle discipline emphasises positive reinforcement, setting clear and consistent boundaries, and building a strong, loving relationship with your child. Instead of punishment as a form of discipline, gentle discipline focuses on teaching children appropriate behaviours and problem-solving skills through positive reinforcement, modelling, and guidance. It also emphasises the importance of understanding the child's perspective and addressing the underlying reasons for their behaviour.
Some
vital
elements
of
gentle
discipline
include:
•
using
positive
language
and
avoiding
criticism
or
blame,
•
encouraging
and
praising
good
behaviour,
•
setting
clear
and
consistent
boundaries
and
limits,
•
teaching
children
problem-solving
skills
and
emotional
regulation,
•
building
a
solid
and
loving
relationship
with
your
child,
•
being
a
positive
role
model
and
•
being
consistent
in
your
approach.
Gentle discipline involves setting limits and boundaries, but it does so in a way that is respectful and supportive of the child's development and well-being.
I am sure the next question will be how do we discipline the kids who are disobedient and would deliberately break the limits? This is where our connection with the child comes into play. Here are a few things we can look into:
1. Disobedience, more times than not, is an effect, and there is an underlying cause. Sometimes we can have toddlers throwing tantrums because they are hungry, tired etc. Teenagers are often overwhelmed with emotions, physical changes, and new responsibilities. They may struggle with various issues, such as academic pressure, social challenges, and identity development. Understanding what is developmentally okay and not rebellious behaviour helps in connecting again. We should be consistent with our setting limits; however, we need to know when to create an environment for the child to process their feelings and be heard and let go of discipline.
2. Minimize screen time and increase outside play. Some evidence suggests that reducing screen time and increasing physical activity can improve behaviour in children. Studies have shown that children who spend more time in front of screens tend to have a higher risk of behavioural problems, including attention problems and hyperactivity. Additionally, physically active children tend to have better self-regulation, attention, and academic performance.
To
minimise
screen
time
and
increase
physical
activity
in
children,
parents
can:
•
Set
clear
limits
on
the
amount
of
time
children
are
allowed
to
spend
in
front
of
screens
each
day
•
Encourage
children
to
take
breaks
every
hour
when
using
screens
•
Create
a
"media-free"
zone
in
the
home
where
screens
are
not
allowed,
such
as
the
dinner
table
or
bedrooms
•
Set
a
good
example
by
limiting
their
own
screen
time
•
Provide
children
with
a
variety
of
physical
activities
to
choose
from,
such
as
sports,
dance,
or
martial
arts
•
Make
physical
activity
a
part
of
the
daily
routine,
such
as
going
for
a
walk
or
bike
ride
after
school
•
Get
involved
in
physical
activities
with
children,
such
as
playing
catch
or
going
for
a
hike
together
•
Encourage
children
to
find
activities
they
enjoy,
such
as
swimming,
running,
or
playing
soccer.
It's
important
to
remember
that
every
child
is
different
and
what
works
for
one
child
may
not
work
for
another.
Parents
should
work
with
their
children
to
find
a
balance
between
screen
time
and
physical
activity
that
works
best
for
them.
3. Let go of the power struggle. You and your child are on the same side. You are trying to set them up for success. Always reach with empathy and connection. Power struggles make both the child and the parent feel like opponents. The focus from the behaviour shifts to who wins.
4. Introduce mindfulness activities like yoga & meditation.
5. Introduce journalling. It helps them in processing their emotions. When they are young, can your bedtime or dinnertime chats include feelings about the day beyond what they did? Try activating empathy by asking how they think the other person felt in certain situations.
6.
Lastly,
do
check
if
there
is
an
underlying
problem
like
ADHD,
Dyslexia,
or
Anxiety
which
is
adding
to
the
little
one's
stress
It's
essential
for
parents
to
remain
calm
and
consistent
in
their
discipline
and
to
avoid
overreacting
to
minor
infractions.
Try
to
understand
the
reason
behind
the
behaviour
and
help
your
children
to
express
their
feelings
in
a
safe
and
non-judgmental
way.
Encourage
open
communication
and
active
listening.
Parenting is the hardest thing we do. We have to learn to give ourselves and our children grace. Dear Parents, know you are doing more than half the work by constantly showing up for your children.
Happy Parenting!!
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