World Mental Health Day Special: People Share The Hurtful Words They Still Remember, And Experts Explain Why

Add as a preferred source on Google

Punam Sharma was 13 when someone pointed out her stretch marks. Until that moment, she had no idea such a thing existed.

Now in her mid-20s, she still catches herself thinking about it.

Photo Credit: Canva

"I think comments like these stay with us because they make us notice things about ourselves that we never saw as a flaw before," said Punam, a network engineer. "And once that thought gets into our head, it's hard to unlearn it."

Her experience is a familiar one. Ask most people to recall a compliment from last month, and they may hesitate. Ask about a cruel remark from school, and the details often arrive instantly. Why negative comments stay with us longer than praise is a question psychology has studied for decades. A widely cited 2001 review in Review of General Psychology found that bad feedback and bad emotions tend to carry more weight than good ones, and that negative information is processed more thoroughly than positive.

On World Mental Health Day, we spoke to psychology experts and everyday people about why one criticism can outweigh five compliments, and what helps loosen its grip.

Five Compliments, One Criticism

We asked a simple question: if someone gives you five compliments and one criticism, which one are you more likely to remember?

Naline Agarwal, Senior Associate, Organisational Development and Growth, did not hesitate.

"Even if someone compliments me a lot but still gives me a criticism, I think I'll remember the criticism," she said. Negative feedback is hard for her to process calmly. "I take it personally. I process information in such a way that this is a judgment about me."

That, she explained, goes straight to her self-concept, which she experiences as fixed. Praise meets a different fate. "I get very shy and I try to undermine it," she said, adding that a lack of confidence may be the reason.

Dr Sonali Chaturvedi, Consultant, Psychology, KIMS-Arete Hospital, says this pattern begins with how the mind handles each kind of remark.

"If someone tells us we did something well, we usually accept it and move on," she explained. "But if someone says something hurtful or critical, we start going over it in our head: 'Why did they say that?', 'Is there some truth to it?', 'Do other people think the same way?' That is what makes the comment stick."

The Mind's Built-In Alarm

The tendency has a name: negativity bias.

Archana Singhal, Counsellor and Family Therapist and Founder of Mindwell Counsel, Delhi, said negative feedback lingers because it can evoke feelings of threat, rejection and social disapproval. The brain, she explained, is inclined to hold on to negative experiences because they act as an alert about potential problems.

Praise asks nothing of us. Criticism does. A compliment feels good and we move on, but a criticism sets off a quiet inquiry: what if they are right?

"Even when something good happens, our minds can be quick to pick out what went wrong or what someone might think of us," said Dr Chaturvedi. The tendency is common, but it is not permanent. It can be changed, she added, by consciously questioning the first reaction rather than automatically believing the negative thought.

When The Comment Finds A Soft Spot

Photo Credit: PR Handout

Not every remark lands equally. Singhal said the effect intensifies when criticism is aimed at an existing insecurity, be it appearance, career, relationships, parenting or personality. An innocent comment can sound like a verdict, and the person may feel compelled to confirm the negative opinion they already hold about themselves.

Dr Chaturvedi agreed. One negative remark can drown out several positive ones, she said, "not because it is necessarily true, but because it has touched a sensitive spot."

Childhood plays its part too. People who were often criticised, compared, rejected or given conditional approval while growing up may react more strongly as adults. A present-day comment can set off feelings far larger than the moment deserves, which is why a passing remark sometimes produces a reaction that even the person themselves finds disproportionate.

For Punam, the remark about her stretch marks fits that pattern. It did not tell her something new. It gave her something new to worry about.

Words That Land On An Old Weight

For some, negative comments are not a moment but a pattern.

Varun Verma, a Senior Writer, belongs to what he calls a "so-called scheduled caste". Hearing negative comments, he said, felt inevitable. "Some people comment behind my back; some say on my face."

The remarks he heard in school were specific and repeated. "You don't have to study. Your reservation quota will get you there. You are not as good as us. You're stealing our rights."

"If you hear these comments at such a young age, they surely do hamper confidence," Varun said. "I was shaken often. I had a constant fear of what to do and how to survive, knowing I was put way behind the starting line."

When The Comment Goes Public

On social media, the sting can be harder to shake. Dr Chaturvedi said a comment online can get under the skin in a way a passing remark in real life may not. It can be read again, other people can see it, and the person who wrote it may be a stranger.

Singhal pointed out that a negative comment is typically public and can be reshared, which may lead people to assume others noticed it, or agreed with it, too.

Repeated exposure can change behaviour. People may start thinking twice before posting, tracking likes, deleting posts or constantly checking what others say about them. "You can end up spending far more time thinking about how you are being perceived than actually enjoying what you are doing," said Dr Chaturvedi.

For a PR professional who wished to remain anonymous, it went further than the screen. "I stopped posting on social media because of the trolls," he said. "No matter what I did, I always received harsh comments on my looks and my accent. It bothered me a lot, and I became cautious even when I went out and spoke to people."

Teenagers and young adults, whose social lives play out largely online, can be particularly affected. Repeated criticism and comparison can slowly chip away at confidence and, in some cases, leave them feeling anxious or inadequate.

Feedback Is Not Identity

So how do people let go?

Srishti Prasad, a Consultant Engineer, said it depends on who is speaking. "If the hurtful comments are from someone whose viewpoint is important to me, then that affects me. But then I remind myself it is their perspective, and if there is something I can learn from it, I take it as feedback. Otherwise, I try to leave it behind." Sometimes a comment stays with her for a day, sometimes for much longer.

Arina Sunar, who works at the State Forensic Science Laboratory, finds her way forward in her own story. "When someone says something hurtful, it usually stays on my mind for some time," she said. "Nevertheless, I move on by telling myself that the person saying hurtful things doesn't know the struggles and pain I have gone through to be who I am today. I like to think of myself as a better person than the person saying hurtful things to me. That is what motivates me to move on, be it with people, places or things."

Photo Credit: PR Handout

Singhal draws a line between feedback and identity. "I don't like what you did" is about a behaviour or situation. "You are not good enough" is about the person. She suggests three questions before letting criticism settle in: Is the feedback specific? Does it come from someone whose opinion I value? Is there something useful I can learn from it? If not, it is not ours to carry as a definition of who we are.

Dr Chaturvedi's advice is practical. Not every comment deserves equal weight. If a particular account keeps upsetting you, mute, restrict or block it. "That's not overreacting; sometimes it is simply a healthy boundary." And avoid returning to the comment again and again, because the more it is read and analysed, the bigger it grows.

Good moments need the same deliberate attention. Singhal said criticism is easy to remember and praise is easy to forget, so reflecting on achievements, practising gratitude and building healthy relationships can help build a steadier sense of self.

If these comments begin to affect mood, confidence, sleep or the willingness to go about daily life, Dr Chaturvedi said, it is worth speaking to someone rather than managing it alone.

Bottomline

The mind does not keep score fairly. Five kind words can be forgotten by evening, while one unkind one is replayed for years. But the weight of a comment is not fixed. It depends on who said it, what it touched, and whether we let it become a verdict. Ask whether it is specific, whether the speaker matters, and whether there is anything worth keeping. What does not pass those questions was only ever someone else's opinion.

Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for general informational and educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or a qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.