Culture conflicts - Understanding the Hindustani in America

Marriage And Beyond

oi-Staff

By Super

Wednesday, April 18, 2012, 10:26

As American-Indians born and raised outside India, the hyphenation of our identities parallels our perils growing up: where do we fit in? This question becomes more and more pertinent as we round "marriage-age" by Indian standards - between the ages of 18 to death. We are first generation Americans. We have grown up in a culture that does not glamorize love in the same manner Indian society does.

Rather than fixating on meeting the guy of our dreams, Indian-American girls focus on the marriage: how positive will it be? How many arguments? Will I be able to pursue my goals, my dreams? Hindi film after Hindi film churns out the standard romance: Hero meets heroine, they cannot get married because of one of the ten generic reasons, miracles fall out of the sky, they run through trees and hills singing, they get married and live happily ever after. The story ends there in India. In America, the story is just beginning.

Happily divorced
In India compatibility is reduced to common culture, and an astrological sign. In America, compatibility is thought of as a meeting of minds, and lifestyles. Astrological signs have very little bearing on a lasting relationship in America. Similarly, while divorce is a word muttered in shame in India, in America it is bold and very real. Indians scoff at the American divorce rate without realizing the culture requires happiness in marriage and thus when not happy, Americans divorce. Happiness is not a requisite of Indian marriages.

Dating disasters
Indian-American kids are haplessly thrown into the dating arena, for various reasons. Primarily, their Indian parents are largely disapproving of the entire concept of dating. It seems unnecessary to a culture initially hell-bent on arranged marriages; a barbaric practice by Western standards. Secondarily, Indian-American kids are very often left example-less: of both decent dating practices, and exemplary marriages. Often the strain of living away from the family, and any familiar surroundings strain marriages in America to the point of no-return; yet the stringent no-divorce policy and the primal shame tied of divorce keeps unhappy parents together leaving their children with little idea of a functional marriage. Thus Indian-American kids-- filled with fantasies of love and romance given to them by both their cultures-- struggle forward in the dating world.

Wrecking wrath
As young adults mature in America, the daunting fear of disapproving parents drives teenagers into lying and attempting to escape parental watch. A lack of communication between generations concerning dating, relationships, and sex create a huge rift that is never truly healed. Some Indian-Americans roam haplessly from one forlorn relationship to the next looking for their Shah Rukh Khan or Rani Mukherji, unaware of the realities of life, love and marriage.

Growing up, Indian-American children are taught not to ask questions, or wonder about things such as 'falling-in-love' because such things are not common practice for the parents who raised them. Familial problems concerning all these issues are tucked under an invisible cloak that surrounds the family as they put on their everyday happy smiles to face the world. The fear of neighborhood gossip is an unbelievable force, paralyzing parents from speaking openly with their children. Of course, there are always exceptions to every generality-but few of us are exposed to such exceptions because they are the taboo few. Conservative views always vary in degree and expression between families, but the fundamental beliefs of the culture narrowly bind people together.

Ground reality
On this already tumultuous scene enters an aging first-generation: the now thirty and twenty-somethings in and out of American colleges gaining American versions of independence. Basic Indian structure, like living at home, is largely scoffed or met with disappointment as more Indian-American children strain against the rivaling forces of expectation and desire. So, how, now, does this generation approach love and marriage with any sense of reality? Fundamentally, it always comes down to the individual; however, as we all know: you marry the family. With this in mind, it's an indisputable fact that such divisions in culture and experience will have to be broached, whether by force or compromise.