Do Relationships Complete Us?

In any relationship, there is a need for each person to get something out of it. We constantly look for WIIFM? What's in it for ME? Whatever we do, we look to gain something from it.

Let's analyse this.

Each of us is, in some way or other, an incomplete human being. We instinctively seek to connect with people who could plug the ‘gaps' for us. By nature, we need completeness. We achieve that completeness through our relationships.

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While we may like to think that we operate from a higher level of being, deep down inside, we are survivors first. We do what we have to do to get our essential needs. Once we have fulfilled these needs, we then pursue what we want. Ultimately, we push ourselves to get what we desire.

Need Based Relationships

We can classify our relationships into 6 broad categories of needs:

• Personal - what I need
• Interpersonal - mutually dependent
• Success - professional or business oriented
• Statutory - what the country deems necessary
• Social - significance and stature
• Spiritual - boundaries and protection of the planet

For this article I will focus on the first category.

Personal Needs

When was the last time you sat down and made a list of what you really need in life? Do you need love, respect, trust, support, understanding, communication, significance, certainty, direction, power, fame, fortune, friendship, pampering, or do you require something else?

Just thinking about our needs will give us an insight into the relationships we require to complete us. Another way is to look at our current relationships and analyse what we are now getting out of each of them.

Recently I spoke to a young lady who has been married twice. Her first marriage broke because of incompatibility. Her second marriage is also on the rocks. After briefly describing her situation, her question to me was - Should I continue in this relationship, or should I ask for a divorce?

When I asked her why she got married in the first place, she replied - I just felt that I needed to be married. I had worked for quite a few years, and marriage was only logical. Apparently there was no real ‘need' for marriage, but just imagined societal pressure. Having had a rough first marriage, she now needed to feel that the issue was not with her, so she now needed to get married quickly to prove that she was capable of being married.

Now her current issue is that her husband does not fit into her utopian view of what a husband should be. She feels she is not loved, nor respected, nor spoken to. Neither is he supporting her financial needs. On the other hand, he says if you want money, get a job, or ask your parents for money. Now the key question - why was she in the marriage? She replied "I am scared what people will say."

Lots of thoughts would have run through your mind while you read the story above, and surely you would ‘know' what is the best course of action. However, it is easier to know the right answers when things are going wrong with someone else. But when it comes to our own lives, do we know what we really want?

Here is something you can do to be more in charge of your own life:

1. Define your needs - love, power, understanding etc...
2. Make a list of all your current relationships
3. Determine what you are getting out of each of them
4. Analyse what more you require out of each of them
5. What are you giving to those relationships to make it secure?
6. Is there a fair balance between what you are giving and what you are getting?

Spend a few days mapping and monitoring your relationships and in my next article, you will find what you need to do to take your relationships higher, and how to make them more secure.

Till then, Be Positive. Be More!