Narcissistic Abuse In Relationships: Psychologist Reveals Subtle Signs You May Not Realise Are Emotional Abuse

Add as a preferred source on Google

The term "narcissistic abuse" has recently entered the spotlight after South Indian actresses Anupama Parameswaran and Madonna Sebastian of 'Premam' fame spoke about the subject on a popular Malayalam podcast. While Madonna discussed narcissistic abuse and its impact, Anupama later opened up about experiencing what she described as narcissistic abuse during a past relationship. She also revealed that watching Madonna speak about the subject helped her recognise aspects of what she had been going through.

Their conversations have brought attention to a form of emotional abuse that can be particularly difficult to identify because it may not look like abuse at first. There may be intense affection, constant attention and the feeling of being deeply understood before the relationship gradually begins to change.

Photo Credit: Image is AI-generated

Dr. Munia Bhattacharya, Sr. Consultant, Clinical Psychology (RCI Certified Rehabilitation Psychologist), Marengo Asia Hospitals, Gurugram, explains why this change can be difficult to recognise:

"A person may enter a relationship feeling deeply loved, understood and valued. There may be constant attention, intense affection and the feeling that you have finally found someone who really "gets" you. It is only later that some people begin noticing a change. The affection becomes conditional. Small disagreements become big issues. You find yourself explaining, apologising and adjusting much more than you used to."

Understanding The Term "Narcissistic Abuse"

While the term is increasingly used in conversations about unhealthy relationships, Dr. Bhattacharya says it is important to distinguish between the commonly used term and a clinical diagnosis.

"This is where people often use the term "narcissistic abuse". Clinically, however, we need to be careful with the label. "Narcissistic abuse" is not a formal psychiatric diagnosis or a recognised diagnostic term. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a recognised mental health condition, but emotionally abusive behaviour can occur even when the person does not have NPD."

Photo Credit: PR

This means that experiencing emotional abuse does not necessarily mean that the person responsible has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Equally, identifying certain narcissistic traits in someone's behaviour is not enough to make a clinical diagnosis.

For someone trying to understand what is happening in their relationship, Dr. Bhattacharya believes the focus should therefore be on the pattern of behaviour, rather than trying to diagnose the other person.

"What I often find more useful is to look at the pattern rather than trying to diagnose the person."

Are You Constantly Made To Feel Like Everything Is Your Fault?

One of the more subtle ways emotional abuse can affect a relationship is by making one person increasingly question their own feelings, memories and reactions.

Dr. Bhattacharya suggests looking out for these patterns:

"Are you constantly being made to feel that everything is your fault? Are your feelings dismissed or made to seem unreasonable? Do you find yourself questioning your own memory because you are repeatedly told that something "never happened"? Does affection disappear when you disagree or set a boundary?"

When such patterns become repetitive, a person may begin doubting their own judgement. Instead of feeling comfortable expressing hurt or disagreement, they may start wondering whether their feelings are somehow wrong or whether they are responsible for the conflict.

The withdrawal of affection after disagreements or boundary-setting can also make someone feel that they have to behave in a particular way to remain loved or accepted.

The Quiet Signs May Be The Ones You Miss

Emotional abuse does not always involve obvious arguments or dramatic confrontations. Sometimes, the clearest signs can be seen in the changes a person makes to their own behaviour.

Dr. Bhattacharya points to some of these quieter signs:

"You start rehearsing conversations in your head before having them. You choose your words very carefully because you already know how the other person might react. You apologise even when you are not sure what you have done. Slowly, you may stop asking yourself, "What do I want?" and start asking, "What will keep them happy?""

When a person begins constantly anticipating their partner's reactions, everyday communication can start feeling like something that needs to be carefully managed. They may avoid certain topics, change the way they speak or apologise simply to prevent another disagreement.

Dr. Bhattacharya adds:

"That change in you is worth paying attention to."

The important point is not whether someone occasionally avoids an argument or apologises after a disagreement. Those behaviours can occur in any relationship. It is when they become a persistent pattern and begin changing how a person sees themselves and expresses their needs that they warrant closer attention.

Don't Label Every Difficult Person A Narcissist

The growing popularity of terms such as "narcissist", "gaslighting" and "love bombing" has also made it easier to label difficult relationship behaviour. But Dr. Bhattacharya cautions against turning these terms into diagnoses.

"At the same time, I would strongly caution against calling every difficult, selfish or emotionally unavailable person a "narcissist". A diagnosis cannot be made from a few incidents or from what we see on social media. Relationships can be complicated, and people can behave badly without having a personality disorder."

A partner can be insensitive, selfish or emotionally unavailable without having NPD. Similarly, a few incidents of unhealthy behaviour cannot establish that someone has a personality disorder.

This is why focusing on the effect of the relationship may be more useful than trying to put a psychiatric label on the person.

Ask Yourself: What Is This Relationship Doing To Me?

Rather than constantly trying to determine whether a partner is a narcissist, Dr. Bhattacharya recommends asking a different question.

"So instead of asking only, "Is my partner a narcissist?", I would encourage someone to ask, "What is this relationship doing to me?""

That shift can help bring the focus back to the person experiencing the behaviour. If a relationship is consistently affecting someone's confidence, emotional wellbeing or ability to communicate freely, those effects deserve attention regardless of what label is ultimately used.

Dr. Bhattacharya explains:

"If you are becoming increasingly anxious, doubtful of yourself, afraid to speak openly or unable to maintain ordinary boundaries, something needs attention, regardless of the label."

This does not mean that every relationship conflict is emotional abuse. Disagreements, misunderstandings and periods of emotional difficulty are part of many relationships. The concern lies in persistent patterns that make one person feel increasingly fearful, powerless or disconnected from themselves.

What Does A Healthy Relationship Look Like?

Disagreements are inevitable. The difference lies in whether both people can disagree while continuing to feel respected and emotionally safe.

As Dr. Bhattacharya explains:

"A healthy relationship does not mean never having conflict. It means you can disagree without being punished for it, express your needs without feeling guilty and remain yourself without constantly fearing the other person's reaction."

Being able to express a need, establish a boundary or have a different opinion should not consistently come at the cost of emotional security.

"When someone feels they have to constantly monitor their partner's mood, choose every word carefully or suppress their own needs to keep the relationship peaceful, it may be worth stepping back and examining what is happening."

When You No Longer Recognise Yourself

The recent conversations by Anupama Parameswaran and Madonna Sebastian have helped bring a difficult subject into the public conversation. But the underlying issue extends far beyond celebrity relationships.

Sometimes, emotional abuse is difficult to identify precisely because it happens gradually. A person may not notice when they start apologising more, speaking less freely, questioning their own memories or prioritising someone else's happiness over their own.

Photo Credit: Magnific

Dr. Bhattacharya leaves the conversation with a powerful reminder:

"Sometimes, the most important sign is not what the other person is calling you. It is what you have slowly started calling yourself."

Recognising emotional abuse does not require diagnosing a partner. It begins with noticing the pattern, understanding its impact and paying attention to changes in your own sense of self. If a relationship consistently leaves you anxious, doubtful, afraid to speak or unable to maintain ordinary boundaries, those feelings deserve to be taken seriously.

Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for general informational and educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or a qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.