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How To Handle An Abusive Wife

By Shabana

Marriage is an everlasting bond which is shared by two people in love. It takes two to make a marriage work. That is why choosing the right life partner is a very important decision in life.

We often come across abusive relationships where the male partner is dominating and controlling. The female partners usually do nothing about it as they are scared of the consequences. Especially in marriages where children are involved, victims choose to stay numb and quietly suffer years and years of mental and physical torture. But what if the roles are reversed? Seem confused?

Usually, it is the male partner who is abusive in a relationship. But what if you come across a marriage where the wife is abusive? We haven't really thought about it, right? But it is a reality that many men are facing nowadays. Lets define an abusive relationship first.

You are said to be in an abusive relationship where your partner tortures you either physically or mentally, with or without any fault of yours. Physical torture includes beating, slapping hard or pushing for the sole intent of injury.

Mental, also called as verbal torture includes hurling abuses at you, finding faults and using bad language every time they speak to you. Both these tortures cause trauma and the abused are at a higher risk at going into depression.

In a marriage if one of the partners turns abusive, it makes life hell for both. Women often refuse to share their troubles with anyone and end up spending an entire life with their abusive partners.

But if men come across an abusive wife, they often have no idea what to do. So, they resort to the last option possible, i.e, to end the marriage. But that is far from a proper solution to the problem, especially if there are kids involved.

When your partner is showing aggression, it is a sign of some deep psychological issue. As a life partner, you need to understand that and try to handle the situation as maturely as possible.

If you suddenly find your wife hurling abuses at you for no reason at all, if she has become too controlling or dominating to the point, she may be suffering from BPD - borderline personality disorder. Here are a few things you can do to handle an abusive wife:


1) Talk It Out-

The first thing that you should do when you find your wife has turned abusive is to talk it out. Make her understand that her actions and words hurt you and that she should stop doing it. Encourage her to share her feelings with you and ask how she feels about things. This will encourage her to retrospect her own actions and if she feels bad about it, she might think twice before abusing you again.


2) Try To Understand The Underlying Cause-

If you notice sudden behavioural issues with your wife at certain times or after any incident, chances are that it is what is triggering her anger issues. Try to avoid those situations in the future whenever possible.


3) Suggest A Counsellor-

People often find abusing their partner as a channel to vent their frustrations. If your wife has any such issues, try to get her to meet a counsellor who will try to explain to her other productive ways to channelize her negative energy.


4) Try To Record Her Abuses And Actions-

When people are in a fit of anger, they often do not realise the seriousness of their own actions. Try to film your wife's outburst at times and show it to her later when she has calmed down. She will most probably realise what she does is wrong and is hurting you; she might be conscious about it the next time.


5) Watch Your Actions-

Why does she shout at you or hurl abuses at you? Did your behaviour trigger her anger? Your wife's aggression may not necessarily be intentional; it may be a certain habit of yours that triggers it. Does your wife have trust issues with you? Is she insecure in the marriage? If you think any of your behaviour is causing her outbursts, then it is time to change them. Give her an assurance that you love her and will never break her trust. If you are lucky, your wife may understand and tone down.


6) Give Her Stability And Security In The Relationship-

Sometimes, people with BPD disorders are the ones who are very insecure in their relationship. They are afraid to lose their partner and often are deprived of love. If the deep emotional feeling for you is what is triggering their abusive behaviour, then it's time to retrospect.


7) Try To Fight Back When Attacked-

Most of the times, people choose to stay quiet when their partner is attacking them, both physically and verbally. At that time, the worst thing you could do is to keep quiet. This will give her the notion that everything is your fault and she is right. This will only encourage her behaviour. At the same time, do not go overboard to shield yourself from the abuses by attacking her, as this will also be counterproductive.Try to be calm along with making her realise that you are not taking it well.

People with BPD or border line personality disorders are not intentionally hurtful; they are just suffering from a mental disorder due to stress of everyday life, anger, loneliness or low self esteem.

Often times, the best you can do to your partner is showering them with lots of love and attention. This will make them feel loved, respected and appreciated. At the same time, openly communicate to them and try to set boundaries. They will automatically retrospect their behaviour when they realise how bad they are hurting the ones they love.

Story first published: Monday, December 18, 2017, 12:39 [IST]
Read more about: wife
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