Be A Giver Not A Taker

Friday, March 21, 2014, 19:37 [IST]

Just over a week ago, I completed 30 years as a counsellor. It was an opportunity to think about all that I had learned about relationships, more so, because I had also recently completed 30 years of marriage.

For those who have reached this amazing milestone, you would know that there have been many challenges along the way. So what are some of the amazing lessons I have learned, personally and through counselling?

LESSONS LEARNED THROUGH LIFE
1. Your partner/spouse sees a different part of the issue than you do.
2. Respect and trust are the cornerstones of a relationship.
3. Your spouse should be a close friend, and communication is the cement of a relationship.
4. Giving is far more rewarding than receiving, and it builds your credit balance.
5. Love is the ultimate emotion and it is a result of doing the previous four points.

POWER LESSON
One of most powerful lessons I have learned is that the giver has more power than the receiver. The hand that is in the giving position (palm down as though you are giving something to someone) is far more powerful than the hand in the receiving position (palm up and open).

That one statement got me thinking, and it resonated well for me, because I was always uncomfortable with asking for something. I was always more comfortable giving something to others. It is also interesting that this point was proved to me many times over through hundreds of successful marriages and relationships that I have seen as a counsellor. When I ask people what they are willing to do to make a marriage work, most people answer, stereotypically, that they are willing to do whatever it takes. Very rarely have I come across someone who knew exactly what had to be done to make the spouse happy.

HOW CAN WE BE MORE DESIRABLE?
We have to make ourselves more valuable to others. We have to create happiness for others. But do we know how to do that? The reason why we are not able to do what it takes to make the other person happy, is that we are normally self-centred people who are looking for what we can get out of a relationship. We think that when we get what we want, then we will give others what they want. Sometimes we wait for things that we need, for an entire lifetime. Let's not wait any more. Let's flip the game around.

Forget about ourselves, and instead we can focus on others. Let's give others what they need. Do we have the gumption to know what we should give?

WHAT DO THEY NEED?
Recently, a friend of mine who has been married for 20 years told me very happily that he was going to buy a gift for his wife's birthday. Out of curiosity I asked him what was the gift? He answered "A washing machine". I couldn't help smiling. I too used to think of gifting things to my wife that I appreciated like books. I love reading, and so in my mind, a book is the best gift to receive. Wasn't the golden rule, "Do for others, what you would like others to do for you", relevant here? Well, not exactly, but we become wiser only when we realise our mistakes... or when we find a better paradigm. The Platinum Rule - "Do for others what they prefer ". So if others like clothes or jewellery, then that is what you should be giving them. Hmmmm. So much for the gift of books.

EACH of us is UNIQUE
Now, let's look into this issue a little deeper. Let's realise that others are not like us. They are different. Their needs and preferences are different. If we want to give them something, we need to know what they like, and give them that. Never make the mistake of giving them what you like. The easiest way to give someone what they love is to ask them what they want. The more subtle way is to know that each of us expresses ourselves in the way we are. To give you a gist of this, it would be pertinent to read 'The Five Love Languages' by Dr Gary Chapman. This book is primarily about how we express our love for others. Each of us has a primary mode for this. Dr Gary Chapman has written a bestseller called 'The five love languages' that we can all benefit from.

THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
Words of affirmation - This is for people who like to feel validated or affirmed through what we EXPRESS through our words.

Acts of service - What they expect us to DO for them.
Physical touch - What they need through physical touch like a hug, a kiss or just holding hands.
Quality time - They need to know that we spend time with them more than anything else.
Gifts - Some people know that we love them when we give them a gift.
Here is an audio summary from the author. It is worth listening to. http://www.kevinhalloran.net/what-are-the-five-love-languages-summary

BE A GIVER - NOT A TAKER

So this will make you a much more loving person from the view of your spouse or loved one. This can work for other members of the family as well.
I do hope that I have awakened a new learning in you, and I would leave you to discover the power in what is said here. Stop expecting things from others. Change the game, by doing things for others that they require. Build your positive karma in the universe. The universe rewards the giver. The receiver may or may not appreciate you directly. It doesn't matter. Get your joy out of giving, and doing things for your loved ones. I guarantee you, you will appreciate yourself a lot more, and you will be a lot happier.
Do write in with your questions, comments or views. Let's make this an interactive space, where we learn more through our sharing.

Till next time - Give more of yourself, so you become more of who you were meant to be.

Ian Faria.